The question of identity

By BY LYDIA LAKWONYERO, :: 26-07-2011

“Before I got into my abusive past relationship I was a very independent, fun loving person and I had a strong personality. Now I do not know  who I am, I feel like a distant me, and this is the only thing keeping me from moving ahead in life. What shall I do to come out of this?”
This is a question posed by Berna in desperation to find herself.
Many times parents have blamed institutions their children have joined and the people they have interacted with for ill behavior. A parent in such instances will swear that the child in question is not the one they raised.
The individual right from childhood was taught moral values and beliefs that the parents figured would guide them through life.
It comes down to the question of identity. The medical dictionary defines identity as the distinguishing character or personality of an individual or the relation established by psychological identification.
Which means each and every individual is created in uniqueness and it is such uniqueness that that we contribute to one another, minus which we are defined as lost.
UCU counsellor, Ritah Otoke says individuals cannot be understood in isolation from others.
“In order to be me there must be you,” she says.
According to this philosophy then, we cannot avoid the eventuality of interaction because in a way it in its sense helps define us as individuals.
She goes on to say that the primary formation of identity is at home in a family setting where a child interacts with parents and siblings. And this when handled positively in a way that a child is recognised of their uniqueness, they can properly differentiate between their feelings and thoughts and thus become individuals.
Yet even with the uniqueness of personality, a person can change when they interact with people who could influence them negatively.
It explains why a person can pick up ill habits like alcoholism, drugs, premature sex among others; things that their unique personality otherwise would never choose.
Joseph Musaalo explains that interaction means a mixture of values, which values are exchanged in the process.
Therefore, when the individual goes among his peers and these values are challenged he must be strong enough to choose not to go with the crowd. Or choose only the positives that are presented.
“For example a person can be told their dress cord is outdated and indeed when he/she looks around it seems to be the style. Or have their idea of fun defined by alchohol abuse. Unless they choose to protect their uniqueness, they can lose their core identity.On the other hand he says young people may come from families that are very strict, where children are not allowed to express themselves and that is enough to make them go on rampage when given the opportunity to be independent.
Finding oneself
Otoke says the first step is to get back to the drawing board and find who you are.
“Sometimes children grow without knowing their parents. Others grow up in a family setting but somehow they feel lost all their lives due to poor parenting.”
She says either way one can choose to belong to God. Or find a parental figure who will step in as a parent, bringing healing to your life.
She also says some people suffer identity loss because they have suffered tremors like rape, abandonment or other kind of abuse. She says where there is adequate support, they can get better.
Joseph Musaalo advises that parents should not be strict as they play their role.
“You need to losen your grip on the child but with guidance. Do not be too strict on them. For example if the child wants to go out you allow them to but also set boundaries on what time they should be back home and what is expected of them.
“In this way you allow the child to develop their independence because you will not be there all the time” says Musaalo.
Otoke adds that a person whose individuality is suffocated grows up with fused personalities, not knowing how to separate their feelings from their thoughts.
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